The Beginnings Of The Downside Slide

Currently Listening To :: Same Shit, Different Day :: Jaguar Wright

I can't shake this feeling that something isn't quite right...

The last few days have been a sine curve of compacted proportions, and if I could mathematically describe it I would, but I think the best way to think of it is a that the height tends towards infinity on both the positive and negative planes, while the number of oscillations is packed tighter than the strands on a double helix.

Does that make sense?

Emotions and insecurities come to the forefront, and then out of nowhere, someone else appears. I'm offered a job interview where I thought I had none.

I don't understand it, so...

I'm at peace with my situation; good friends are there to console me. And then I get targeted by speed cameras on a double demerit point weekend. Not to sound flippant, but it's not the money. It's not the demerit point loss. It's the nagging I'm going to get from my family unit until...

Then

I'm glad to see an old friend, with whom I share a strange relationship with. That attraction is there, but we've been missing that little something to push us to something more. We end up drinking, mildly flirting and talking ourselves into a melancholy rut.

I leave.

Pumping club music, and I have just the right amount of alchohol in the bloodstream to make me feel like I can dance on the podium like no-one's watching. And I do. I leave the club satisfied, but then a friend brings some news that sends my mind racing. Suddenly, Maxwell's Lonely's The Only Company is my only company, and I have the urge to go and sing Jay songs until my lungs collapse at Karaoke.

Wait...no I don't.

I'm far from home, I'm driving with a mind full of sad thoughts, and it's 4am. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it to.

And I realise that I've been here before..and I'm tripping with nowhere to unpack my thoughts.

It's Just Another Lazy Thursday...

Currently Listening To :: Affirmation :: Savage Garden

It's Anzac day today in the O-Z, so that means public holiday! I wrote a little something for work on Anzac Day, so hopefully it'll come out next week...I caught a bit of the parade from my Trinitron this morning, but lazing in the sun in the outside alcove in my pjs, munching on a scone and drinking my milo, I couldn't help bu think how good life is. Not to rub salt for those who aren't having such a great day when you read this, but you have to know it's not often when the little things in life come to the fore, so when they do, you have to appreciate them for all they're worth.

I was at a great free party (an oxymoron in today's world) last night in the city, and it was a big get-together, with everyman and his best friend there. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it to this other party I was meant to go to; well, I did make it, but there was no one to get us in...Still, it was a good night on the whole though, even if I got a bit cranky towards the end...sleep people, sleep. Rolling out of bed today, it was nice to know that I had the whole day off, and well, so does everyone else. Even though I'm at home studying for midsessions today, it's just nice to feel that holiday vibe.

t's not often I actually chat with my mother, or even get the chance to. But instead of plonking myself in front of the TV this morning, I went and sat with moms for a bit of a chat. For those that don't know, my mum doesn't usually just chat with you, she gives advice. And for someone with not really enough sleep, it's usually enough to make me find a more quiet part of the house. However, as we slowly talked about things going on in my life, my sisters life, and the importance of not selling the family heirlooms, it slowly became apparent that even though she may seem to be nagging me to no end at times, she's just worried about me as much as she used to when I first caught the train on my own to school back when I was knee-high. In ways, that's annoying as hell, yet in ways, it's reassuring like a warm hug or a mug of hot milo, especially when I'm not feeling that sure about anything right now.

"Cause sometimes a little reassurance is all we need. Reassurance of our decisions, our directions, our feelings, our tomorrows. And while I'm not asking for a crystal ball, a little sign is sometimes all that's needed. In this world where it's become so simple to communicate with someone on the other side of the globe with crystal clear clarity and in real time, face-to-face communication remains the most difficult one with which to get a clear message across...

Snippets...

Currently Listening To :: Mathematics :: Mos Def

Almost there...3 more applications to go. Can you believe I've spent the last four days on just twelve applications? I've worked and reworked my cover letter and resume until I think I can memorise it..or can I? I'm the corporate chameloen, with the ability to adapt to any industry and situation. No, really. _grin_

I'm not sure if Tseen Khoo or anyone else form the Amida boards reads this, but if you are, thanks for the link for this A&F story. What do people think?

Watching an old episode of Law and Order last night, it was interesting to see them talk about racism, and how one man was using it as a type of insanity in a murder case defence. I'd write something on that too, but I just can't seem to get my brain away from my extracuricular activities, my leadership abilities and generally how good I am. I can't believe I haven't told you about me yet...oh, you didn't know? Where do I begin..._grin_

I'm also realising that stpe by step, I'm slowly becoming lactose intollerant. I'm not sure what that's telling me, but I'm blaming it on all this skim milk my mother keeps buying.

My ICQ is dead. Gone. Something called a C++ Runtime error keeps happening, so I'm living life with MSN and Yahoo messengers. So far, I think I'm doing okay...

Okay, I'm running off the rails here. I need to get these apps done, send of my Blitz work for the week, and...oh, study. That's it, uni. I knew there was something else I wasn't thinking about.

Oncoming Silence

Currently Listening To :: If This World Were Mine :: Luther Vandross & Cheryl Lynn

This weekend has been a long slog...

I've taken that plunge and started applying for grad jobs, and the process is a long one. I seriously hope that this is worth it...although, I do feel as if I am getting better at selling myself. I think that by the time I'm done, I'll be able to answer the questions to my leadership abilities, initiative and teamwork skills in very flowery language that paints me in a flattering light. All in under 100 words as well.

So to take a break from all this screen selling, I drove out to Maroubra today (I can't seem to escape uni!) to my editors house for a Blitz lunch. Steamboat, beer, cherry buttercake and good company all made for a great afternoon away from the realer world...

It's rare that I take things at face value (which is ironic, as I'm hoping these job applications will make some company want to hire me without even really meeting me), but when a song is recommended to me, especially from an online wedding site, forgive me for being skeptical about it. Still, for those who don't know, I'm a sucker for old Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye and Luther Vandross tracks. If I ever start to buy vinyl (which I'm thinking is an inevitable thing), my collection would have a lot of their old records...

If you get the change to download this great track, I'm sure most of you will agree that Luther, on his own, has twice the vocals and four times the romance than 99% of all the other RnB singers (and groups) out there today. Although this is a remake of the orignal Marvin and Tammi track, I feel that, for a change, the remake was better than the original (unlike Blue's attempts to remake Next's Too Close and Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis' "remake" of Smokey Robinson's classic Cruisin'. In fact, I think d'angelo's remake is infinitely better, perhaps better than the original too).

So as I get back to pimping myself, I'm thinking the next few days will be a little quiet, as these applications and study take my blogging time...Hopefully, I'll have some time to write...and get this damn colour change done too! Keep those messages coming tho...even just to say hi!

More Uncut Blitz Izms

Currently Listening To :: Beauty :: Dru Hill

I'm not usually one to take compliments in my stride, but when both my editor AND my publications manager tell me they liked this weeks ish, then who am I to argue? I think the end is a lil' corny, but can't look good everyday I always say...

As the seasons change the sunrays are shorter, the moonbeams longer, and the time for summertime flings is fleeting. Most of you are settled, into the swing of things, and undoubtedly spotted at least one mysterious stranger around campus who has caught your eye more than a few times. That stranger who just yearns to be met. That stranger who you share fleeting intimate moments with; a glance held for that split second too long, waiting with them in a line for coffee, the smell of their cologne or perfume as you pass by.

Wishing and hoping. Wanting, as if willing them to appear, but the more you look, the more they seem to hide. And of course, the ONE day you roll out of bed and head to uni in your daggiest clothes because everything else is in the wash, guess what happens?

It’s easy to sit back and wait for someone else to make that move; in fact, a lot of girls (and some guys) have the luxury of not ever having to do any work. They can sit back like a frog on a lillypad, waiting for a fly to come to them. But for the majority, the game is much more complex, and when your object of affection/yearning/lust does appear again, what then? It’s natural to be scared of disappointment, and keeping at a distance is something that can be even more exciting than the real thing. But if you DO meet, the question is does the game end there, or is it just the beginning?

For those who believe in fate, it’s easy to brush these things off. If it’s fate, (and according to Serendipity), we’ll eventually meet, we’ll hit it off, and the rest is a Hollywood ending. But what about the non-believers, those who feel the need to take fate into their own hands? I guess it’s just a case of if you feel the glass is always half full or half empty.

Because there will always be uncertainty in this world, and relationships are such an uncertain area it’s a wonder we as “rational” humans haven’t given up on it yet. But in the end, whether you eventually meet that person or not is immaterial. What matters is that you wanted, yearned or lusted, something that makes our everyday lives that much more worth living. And although you may not know it, someone else probably wanted you in the same way. So take a bow. You probably made someone’s day just by turning up to class or buying that coffee. I know it’s a hard life, but keep your eyes peeled, your clothes clean, and keep up the good work!

Sydney old boys' only lesson is racial intolerance

Currently Listening To :: The 6th Sense :: Common

The revlution will not be televised...today, print is the weapon. For those who held their breath, I appluad you; they printed the letter in the SMH today, along with this article. We are not alone Riss, we are not alone.

So the members of the Sydney Boys High's old boy union ("Good old boys push to keep Sydney High in the family", Herald, April 6-7) are calling for more balance in the school intake because "year 7 is currently 90 per cent Asian". Aside from its implicit racist overtones, this push, when taken to its logical conclusion, is illogical and self-defeating because the school will, over time, become either academically non-selective or more "Asian", since their siblings, sons and grandsons will be able to attend the school - unless, of course, the rules will be changed again to allow only "non-Asian" siblings, sons and grandsons.

David Leung, Alfords Point, April 7.

On a different note, I realised today I screwed my first assessment of the year. _sigh_ No matter how long I've been at uni, I still get so angry at myself over these things. Why can't I just take stock and move on? Well, there's still another 90% to be had...positive thinking, postitive thinking.

Say WHAT!?!?!?!?!

Currently Listening To :: The Truth :: Pharoahe Monch, Common, Talib Kweli

I was goin to write something about the link below, but I got lazy, and Riss beat me to the commentary. At first, I was only going to speak about the nerve of these people claiming places based on family ties. They obviously never learned how to spell nepotism in school. Then today, my friend Chris sent me a very interesting message...if only Faan was being printed this month, and Blitz didn't work so far in advance...

_Begin Vent_ 90% Asian? Even if it WERE true, what are they trying to say? Sounds like bitter parents whose sons can't make it past the "selective entry". Here is something that Neil Whitfield wrote, and hopes the Herald will publish. I hope so too, but I'm not holding my breath, so here it is...

As ESL teacher at Sydney Boys High I have been amazed to read in the press recently that our school is "90% Asian".

Since I am the one who compiles the statistics, I can assure readers this is nonsense.

Sydney Boys High is currently 78% "NESB". This means that 78% of the students have someone in the family (as far back as grandparents if they have regular contact) who speaks a language other than English. In Year 7 2002 this figure is 86.6%. It includes 30-40 language and dialect groups. Some Bondi District primary schools go as high as 98%.

Our school draws on Greater Sydney, not just the Bondi District. Students in Year 7 have gained entry through a transparent selection process with no questions asked about socio-economic status or ethnicity. All have sat for the English component of the Selective Schools Test. Since there are about 10,000 boys who speak Chinese in the Greater Sydney area (judging from 1996 Census information) it is not surprising that about 450 of them are currently at Sydney Boys High (40% of the school) especially given the value they and their families place on education and selective schools.

Some students have been speaking English for a comparatively short time and may still need some support at the upper levels of academic English if they are to fulfil their undoubted potential under examination conditions. On the other hand, the top places at the school in HSC English in 2000 and 2002 went to "NESB" students, who also happen to be "Asian".

Many of our students are truly bilingual, an asset to be treasured by them personally and by the nation -- for sound social and economic reasons.

Sydney Boys High has long been a school that attracts migrant families who wish to see their sons prosper in their new land.

Sydney Boys High is 100% Australian, but it is 21st century Australia and that makes all the difference.

Spread this around if you can people..._End Vent_

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2002/04/05/1017206267898.html

Click, copy, and press enter or go...

Can you feel me about to vent?

The Hare and The Tortoise

Currently Listening To :: Brighter Day (Remix) :: Ronny Jordan w/ Mos Def

Slow and steady wins the race...

I can't count the number of times I've tried to get this song...I've entered remote ques, settled for sub-50kb/s d/l speeds on my dial up, and just spent hours online waiting...but it's been worth it so far, even if I only have 3:30 to show for it. The song has almost become a mythical goal, something that no matter how much I try, I can't seem to reach. The head-nodding beat, the chimes and rhodes keyboard in the background, Ronny's guitar licks in all the right places, and Mos' scat vocals and rhymes all seem to mesh, until I start to lose myself in the many layers of the song...

At a close friends house the other night, it was worked out that I'm a pretty impatient and insecure character at times. Now this is something I've known for as long as I've known anything, but naturally, knowledge and understanding are two vastly different things. Tens of thousands of cliches spring to mind for the tens of thousands of times I can remember being impatient, and looking back on a lot of situations, I know that a little patience would have gone a long way. A phone call is just a phone call isn't it? But let's not bring up old isht...

So as I wait in que again for something to happen, it's become plain to me that perhaps patience, in the end, is the way to the heart of all desires. Having fast lane dreams but not having been blessed with the tools to make things in the fast lane (or even a cable modem for that matter), trying to force things just forces things to fall apart. Life, career, relationships...I can't afford to be impatient anymore, because I'm looking to build the foundations for something real.

Just like this track, the layers won't come together overnight...but as a listener trying to disect and understand my layers, its layers, her layers, I'm striving to learn patience. The patience to understand myself, to understand the world around me, to understand a females complexities, and hopefully, just hopefully, make it all come together in a track that I can lose all my insecurities in...

Ben Is Dreaming

Currently Listening To :: Ke Ai Nu Ren :: Zhou Jie Lun (Jay Chow)

Sorry to steal the title from Andre's post, but after last night...

I went to see a showing of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead last night at the Sydney St. Theatre in Erskenville. After getting lost in Newtown's one way streets (a seeming prerequisite every time I go there), and finding the difference between Railway Parade (an alley so tight that if the car broke down there, we couldn't have opened the doors) and Railway Street, we still got there with time to spare! It was a great production, but what was really got me was the seating arrangements. There was no fixed seating, and we sat on cushions on the ground. The stage shifted every scene by having us get up and move to a different area of the theatre (which was one room), and the size, lighting and audience made the whole experience interactive and intimate.

Finishing at 10:30, there was no time for dinner...apple and caramel pancakes had to do; black sesame icecream isn't as bad as I thought either _grin_ Not a late night last night, I was in bed at about 1:30am.

I woke up at 3:30am, desperately craving something sweet. Strange. Somehow finding a mini can of Pepsi in the pantry that wasn't there yesterday, I tried to down it, but the harder I tried, the harder it became. After cradling it for what seemed like half an hour, I finished it, and somehow found two Viking Bars that I am sure were also not there when I last looked. Curiouser and curiouser...

I could have sworn my phone beeped twice in the night...I remember checking the screen to see if the display were solid colours. They were not. When I woke up this morning, the phone was off. I was tempted to switch the lights on and off really quickly when I got up, but I'm not that worried...yet.

Memories and dreams are something I've been thinking about lately. From seeing Waking Life, finishing reading Haruki Muramami's South of the Border, West of the Sun, last nights play and supposed REM, they all have me writing. Where is the permanence in our lives? In the memories we have? In the objects we own? But say we forget these memories, or lose these objects that remind. What then? What's to prove that what we THINK we remember, did in ACTUALITY happen? Sure you could ask the person or people who you shared the memory with...but I kid you not, this is the second time I'm typing this post. The first time, my comp crashed, and I lost all I'd written. If I decided to not re-write this, who would remember what I'd written besides me...and what if I forgot? If this blog disappears for some reason, what then?

It's like the whole tree falling in a forest theory again. Only this time, the trees may or may not be listening...

But...what if the trees forget too?

Late Yet Uncut

Currently Listening To :: So Fresh, So Clean :: Outkast

More uncut Blitz...

Hey…what are you wearing right now?

When you’re meeting someone for the first time, we all have certain areas where our eyes wonder first, and first impressions can be made even before we get so far as “Hi, I’m…”. Everyone’s different in this respect, so while some people look at a persons whole face, others look into their eyes; for some guys, discreetly checking out a woman’s chest is something that has become an art in itself (mastery levels differ subject to practice). But being a naturally shy person, I don’t usually look directly at a person; I usually let my eyes wander downwards…to their shoes.

Now shoes are something that we all have, and while some may love them more than others, I’ve always seen a persons shoes as a means of their personal statement, a reflection of the type of person who buys them. Looking at clothes may seemingly have the same effect, but I think we choose our shoes with greater care than clothes, and besides, not everyone can wear the clothes they want to. (I’m sure that even residents in correctional facilities get to choose their footware, even if their wardrobe selection is somewhat limited).

It’s been often said that shoes can make or break an outfit, in the same way that your wheels can mean your car is “sick” or that other four-letter word starting with “s”. While not being a shoe aficionado myself, I still can’t help but notice that in this increasingly fashion conscious, consumer driven world that we live in, shoe makers these days are going for style as much as, if not more so than function. Back in the day, there were only two choices for us as kids to make; school shoes and runners, in which you ran to the store, ran for the ball, and ran for the train home. Now there are a plethora of different shoes for every occasion (and outfit) imaginable, from suede loafers to slide off, laceless runners. Royal Elastics, Camper, and Birkenstock are all popular right now, while everyone from DKNY to Diesal is trying to catch a share of our personal statement (and our money).

So where does this leave us? With so much choice, surely we must now be able to express ourselves in even more ways than ever before, which can only be a good thing right? Or is it? Does this huge amount of choice leave us, in fact, force us to think about just another ultimately banal subject (and leave us guys waiting even longer for the girls to get ready)?

This tyranny of choice in staying grounded has become so taxing…but no matter if your ideal pair of shoes are made by Prada or Dunlop, first impressions still count for something. It just all depends on who you are (or not) trying to impress. And who knows? You could be meeting that potentially special someone as soon as you look up from reading this column.

So…what are you wearing right now?

Jook...Izzzzawwwn!!!

Currently Listening To :: Big Poppa :: Notorius B.I.G.

Speaking of where the party at...

Jook Live is coming up THIS FRIDAY APRIL 5 at the SHARK HOTEL. Entry is just $10, and the bass drops at 9:30 (do I sound like a flyer yet?), and it promises to be an "R&B and Dance extravaganza!" So bring your friends and get silly fo rilly this Friday!

Mike will be also spinning tunes all night, and he's even opened up the request lines, so hit him up with your fave tunes if you're gonna head on down and get your groove on!

Gotta run and get some work done...my plug is over. Colour change coming soon too!