Blogging Ben's The Name, Procrastination Is The Game

Currently Listening To :: Any Man :: Eminem

The last night of the weekend before the last night of holidays before the last session of the year before the last session until graduation (hopefully). I have an interview to write up, a column to compose, a job to apply for, and what am I doing? Right here, musing over the week(end) that has been...

I've found a new home away from home in the city. Normally, spending 3 hours in a store where I only ended up buying one thing would seem like a waste of time, but trying to measure time by what you do and don't end up owning is meaningless.

Because nothing is permanent.

Not wanting to sound like I'm aiming for enlightenment, but am I openly advocating a more hedonistic lifestyle? Or is my indecisive nature coming back to rear it's ugly head (or what that heads) again? Pondering over a skim latte, jotting down points of association and ideas of izms on paper, I felt good yet guilty, feeling I could be doing something more contrutive (like work on my job applications). That whole sinful pleasure line of thought...

On a different note, hating on Eminem's new 2002 chart topping Without Me is pointless when for some unknown reason I can't stop playing his track Any Man from the classic 1999 Soundbombing 2 tape. The lyrics are basically the same; twisted humour, clever use of words, complex rhyme cadences. Yet I'm feeling guilty listening. Is it 'cause he's not your typical black emcee, or the fact that he's become so much larger than life in such a short time that my underground, headphone wearing, "backpacker" musical tendancies are kicking in? I can't even admit Eminem has skills, so I imagine it takes a pretty big man to admit it when they like S Club 7...

But if I heard the nice Any Man beat last night, maybe I woulda stopped being so indecisive, and gotten my groove on harder with the nice fitted pants and singlet-top wearing women up at the free party we were at...

A friend and I are convinced that these days fewer women will pay to go clubbing, but if it's free, then they'll say "why not"? Guys on the other hand, have no issues dropping 20 ducatts for the chance to peep some nice women at S'Live or Bootay Bar. Fundamental difference I say; time to host another free party. Hopefully other people will get the idea too...

So if you have a birthday coming up, enough stalling. Kev, Dre and I have done our bit; if you're reading this, share the love people...share the love.

Sweet n Short

Currently Listening To :: Cappucino :: Elva (Xiao Ya Xuan)

If love really is like a cappucino, a taste of sweetness, yet still a bit bitter at times, then a fling must be like a machiatto. Short lived, deceptively strong, leaving you wanting for more, no matter how bad the come-down from the caffeine rush is...

Despite the fact that it's raining outside, and I'm at uni today, I'm still in the best of spirits I've been in for a while. I'm not sure why, but like when luck strikes, you don't question why, you just accept it. So against my usual brain waves, I'm going with the flow...

I spent Monday night at WuShu, the first time I'd been in about a month, and I was feeling like I'd been kicked in the groin 5 times after a night of stretching and sparing (when, in actual fact, I'd only been kicked in the groin once). Still, we're learning how to use the guan, which is a 6ft fighting stick, which is what I've been looking forward to for a while.

Speaking of looking forward to things for a while, I caught my first episode of Smallville last night. Now Larissa (you know you want to switch to Blogger!) and Di have been raving on about just how nice Kristin Laura Kreuk is, but after you go-ogle her, you will know she is like WHOA! Mesmerising is the word...

Oh, before I forget, peace to Rei Ayanami, and sorry for not turning up on opening night to your exibition! For people who want to check out some new upcoming artists (including our very own blogging superhero White China),

The National Art School is located just
behind the old courthouse at Taylor square on
Forbes St, Darlinghurt.
Exhibition continues from 24-29th July open between 11am - 4pm.

Hmm...Sex Trading is in...I wonder what kind of dividends preference shares give you?

I'm out like illegal English Immigrants.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Currently Listening To :: Emotions :: Destiny's Child

It's just emotions, taking me over,
Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song...

Di left this morning on a plane bound for Vietnam. She'll be gone for around 2 years, maybe more, and who knows when I'll see her next? Watching her disappear into the international terminal entrance, it brought back memories of my own departure for Taiwan. Although it was so long ago, it seems like yesterday...so I take heart.

It seems inevitable that as time goes by, the bonds of friendship are pulled in all directions, some to be broken, never to be joined in the same way ever again. Talking with a few friends tonight, it was good to be able to not dwel on things, but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty for feeling like I was trying to compensate for the loss I'd just experienced. Seasons come and go, and the sun will shine again; that's certain. But friendships, like most things in life, are never guaranteed. Yet like most things in life, we take them for granted...

I was wondering if I'd shed a tear at the airport, but I told myself that there'd been enough shed in the past few weeks. After losing Gavin, I didn't think that anything else could come close for a while. Today, I wasn't so sure anymore.

Still, today is a new day, and by the time I wake up tomorrow, it'll be time to take steps forward. Time to pack up my sorrow. Store the tears for a joyous occasion. You know what? It's so easy to be sad, because you're already disappointed, and no one can do anything to hurt you even more...you're already numb to it all.

Goodnight, goodnight,
goodnight...

Once Again...

Currently Listening To :: David Tao (Tao Zi) :: Zhao ZiJi (Looking for Self)

Another year, another entry...yes, Ben has turned 24. Yesterday actually...much love and appreciation to everyone who called and messaged me to wish me a good day. You really put a smile on my face, even during this time of mass confusion.

As I found out over the weekend, my search for a corporate graduate job finally came to an end, as my longest shot came to a sudden halt. At first I was angry, then the disappointment set in, and no matter how I pounded my fists and searched myself for where I went wrong, it wasn't enough. Again.

So I turned to the warmth of friends and drink on saturday night, and this helped me to escape my fears for a brief night. Turning up to the party, I was astounded at the number of people at my own birthday who I didn't know, but I guess that's what happens when you have an open party. And although some chose other "more personal" nights, I don't think there were any real complaints on the night at all. Everyone seemed to have a good time; the music was great as always (thanks Mike and Laks), there was no trouble (thanks to the security), and well, who would want to bust up our night?

Sunday was a different story, as I slowly began to realise what had happened to me. How next year has become one big black question mark. How it's time to start looking for what I really want to be doing with my life and career.

Monday, I spent the day at uni, talking to some trusted workmates and colleagues who I knew had been there, done that. Who had felt my pain and anxiety. And I felt better, talking through my problems, my frustrations at how I feel as if no matter what I do, I seem to be ending up at the beginning...again. Oh, and I turned 24...

Some people think I am too open on my blog, with the things I say, the thoughts I write. Perhaps I am, but as the details to my direction slowly start to take geographical form, I realise that the landscape of my future is no longer clear, and writing here is one of the batteries powering my flashlight in the dark.

And I'm rambling...again...

Saturday Night

Currently Listening To :: Hot Like Fire :: Aaliyah (Timbaland's Groove Remix)

Yes, it's only Friday afternoon, but for those who haven't had their three eyes synchronised lately, there's a lil' sumn' sumn' goin' on down at the Coronation Hotel tomorrow night (July 13th).

Kevin "you KNOW you love it" Chung, Andre "n$gga please" Casaclang and myself are all celebrating our Cancerian b'days. Called The Lounge Room, the place is Park Street, next to the Woolworth's Metro, the time is 10pm, and the price is free...so any sucka foo's who think they wanna get some quick cash, better take that ass back home.

Here is the DJ lineup (written by Dre "Smooth" Casaclang)

* DJ OPTIX - Formerly known as 'DJ FOREPLAY' and 'DJ I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU DANCE,' Optix bounced around the Asian club scene for several years. His big break came after being 'discovered' by infamous promoter KEVIN 'Jookboy' CHUNG. Playing a memorable 4 hour set at JOOK GOLD, Optix left the days of prostituting himself to raise money for vinyl far behind. While he still does a little escort work on the side, MIKE now plays the funkiest in break beat and hip hop, appearing at all the best Sydney venues such as Sharkies and the Triple 8 Bar.

* EARTH BROWN KID - First making a name for himself as 'DJ S.V.O. (Strictly Vinyl Only),' the Brown One gained international acclaim through his infamous Bollywood remixes. After a failed career as a Bollywood action star, the Brown One turned back to his third love, hardcore drugs, before going back to his first love, music. In an amphetamine induced haze, he released three 12" singles: 'MY HEART WILL GO ON (the Ragga Remix)', 'SORRY, NO CD'S (SVO IN THE HOUSE)' and 'DESTINATION: MECCA.' He has now found a new home at radio 2SER playing the coolest in East Asian Breakbeat. He is indeed, Carlingfords answer to Talvin Singh.

So come on down, say hi, enjoy some kewl beats, chill out, and have a good night~ (even if you don't know us).

Hot..like..fire...

Border's, Booty and Boundaries...

Currently Listening To :: Take A Message :: Remy Shand

Standing in Border's this afternoon mellowing out to this track, I had a near epiphany. Here was a brand new artist that I'd found, with a "cool" clip I'd managed to spy on Channel {V}, with a vibe that I was really feelin'. Laid back grooves, falsetto vocals and some real ability (apparently he does most of the instruments and producing). But yet, in a moments clarity, I placed the less than full price CD back on the shelf, and here I am streaming his lead track VERY slowly down my 56k wire.

So where did things go wrong in between the shelf and the cash register? Was it the fact that I've recently caved in on my anti rap-rock streak, and so was trying to put a front up against giving in to my random, whimsical music purchases? Perhaps I am trying to maintain a degree of musical purchasing integrity myself, for fear that this track, while incredibly infectious, may one day lead to someone scanning my CD collection and saying, you BOUGHT this CD? in much the same way that I react (violently) when I find a Michael Bolton CD (and to a lesser extent, anything by Simply Red) in someone else's music collection. It's not like I'm chastising people for buying, and hey, I admit I like his stuff (now), but in the vein of Chris Rock's amusing breakdown of the OJ Simpson case, I'm not saying that you should have bought it, but I understand...

In honour of my good friend Di's imminent departure for a sunnier climate and total lifestyle change by taking up a job in Vietnam, my friends and myself successfully completed a clubing double header, getting our groove on at the RnB Super Club at City Live, Fox Studios on friday night, followed by our move to the club with apparently the "largest mailing list in all of Sydney" (not that that really matters) at Broadway on Saturday night. I'm not sure if it was the crowd, the night before, or just the fact that there were various subplots and missing parties in play, but City Live is my pick of the bunch. Still, I can't say I didn't have fun, even though I spent this morning paying the price feeling the effects of the lack of sleep and the scotch of the nights activities.

Unlike some, it doesn't really feel like university holidays to me, apart from the fact that I don't have to haul ass to uni tomorrow to get to my weekly 9am Blitz meeting. Strangely enough I will be at uni tomorrow anyway; with Wu-Shu class on tomorrow night, I figured I might as well try to get a hair-cut and do some writing/work in advance. With this time to write, I'll be looking to push myself a little more, and hopefully come with some more consistent and interesting work...

If it's one thing I hate, I hate to be rushed...

What Really Matters...

Currently Listening To :: Respiration :: Black Star (w/ Common)

On the Amen,
Corner I stood, looking at my former 'hood,
Felt his spirit in the wind, knew my friend was gone for good.
Threw dirt on the casket, the hurt I couldn't mask it,
Mix it down, emotions, struggle I hadn't mastered...

Apologies for the huge delay between entries, but it's been a very draining few days...which means I should have plenty to write about right?

I was going to write a long post about death, but I've realised that it doesn't matter the reasons, the how come's or the what if's, how angry I get or how unbelievably upset I was. Trying to put things in perspective, the fact of the matter is that my cousin is no longer here with his family, his cousins, his friends or his girlfriend. He's gone...Gavin's gone, and sadly, no matter how many rosary's we say, how many flowers we plant, it's not going to bring him back. I just pray he's in a better place...

And I was going to write a long post about jobs, and how I feel as if I'll never find one, and that I'm not good enough for any employer it seems, and that no matter how much I try, there's always a line that I just can't seem to cross. I know I'm probably complaining too much, and to those who read this who've heard it all from me before, I'm sorry, but...I think you know how I feel about this. But...if I can't even write about something as important as death, then how am I supposed to write about this?

Then I was going to write a post about this, but again, it paled in comparisson too...

So much on my mind, I just can't recline,
Blasted holes in the night 'til she bled sunshine,
Breath in,
Inhale vapours from bright stars that shine
Breath out,
Weed smoke retrace the sky line,
Yo, how the bass ride out like an ancient mating call,
I can't take it ya'll, I can feel the city breathing,
Chest heaving, against the flesh of the evening,
Sigh before I die, I'm on the last train leaving,
Peace...