And Life Keeps Turning...

Currently Listening To // Say Yes // Floetry

My life has taken a battering of late, as I'm sure most of you would have noticed. Like an autumn leaf blowing uncontrollably in invisible spirals of wind, it seems like I'm always subject to changes beyond my control. In ways, I hate this about myself, allowing myself to be so easily influenced by what's going on around me instead of focussing on making my own way, like a butterfly who soars to it's destination on the winds of change.

But every leaf comes to rest at some time, so I'm hoping that the return of a close friend and a fresh start with another will give me some respite from the cool autumn winds and rain.

Until I either find a way to settle myself, or I'm off in the whirlwinds of life again.

I Don't Know What Else To Say

Currently Listening To // Kai Bu Liao Kou (Can't Speak) // Zhou Jie Lun (Jay Chou) Live

What I hate about translating Chinese songs is that I can never get the meaning 100% right. Like a good friend said once, translation is like trying to kiss through a bedsheet;. you get a similar sensation, but the end result just isn't the same.

How fitting, as this song doesn't quite encapsulate the situation, but the sensation of pain and disappointment is still there...

I have only just left, yet already begun
to worry if today your day is good or not,
The entire screen is you,
Thinking of you so much that I can't sleep.
Your pointed mouth, your lovely appearence,
As well as the sweet fragrance of your body,
You are my happiness,
Thinking of you I can't help but smile...

Without you near I find it hard to endure,
(Without you near I find it hard to endure and I worry)
Without your worries I also worry
(Without your worries I also worry and find it hard to endure)
Passing through layers of cloud,
I am trying to run to you...
Then and only then can I give you love,
However you are already in another's embrace~

Even if I cannot speak
Wanting her to understand...
I definitely will be able to protect her,
Teasing you 'til you laugh,
You are so important to me,
I regret,
Not letting you know,
Quietly listening to you as you act like a child,
Watching you sleep until we become old,

Even if I cannot speak,
Wanting her to understand,
These few simple words
I can't even manage
My whole heart is hanging in mid-air
I can only look on from afar,
All these little things I can do, (for you)
But that person is already not me...

I still cannot speak,

I still cannot speak,

I can only look at you~

I still cannot speak...

I'm About To Break

Currently Listening To // In The End // Linkin Park

It starts with one...

I've been meaning to blog for a while now, but been telling myself I've been too busy. When your life hits near rock bottom though, time just seems to appear. Priorities I always say...

Oh, by the way, I like your tie...

And with that, she was gone. After a near half an hour train ride, she walked back out of my life with the same ease as she had appeared, or more accurately, I had walked down the train stairs to see her sitting there. I think she didnt' even recognise me at first. Catching her eye, I sat down next to her in the seat across the aisle, and the catch-up process began.

We ran through the usual three bases of work, family, and mutual friends; I carefully avoided mentioning her boyfriend until the worst case scenario that we ran out of other things to talk about occured. Which, of course, we did.

It's so sad to think that things had come to this. Here I was, sitting across the aisle from the only woman I have ever said "I Love You" to, and for all I know, we might as well have been a light year apart, or at least strangers on an empty train. In fact, I think strangers would have had more to talk about...

I found the whole experience quite ironic, considering I started playing twenty questions over email this week with someone who I assumed didn't even like me. After six years, how life can turn on a dime...

I put my trust, in you, pushed as far as I can go...

And to make matters worse, I've learned that coming second best is something I need to accept. Sometimes, no matter what you feel you deserve, things just don't turn out. Push as you might, pull as you might, plead as you might...

In fact, what is the use in going on with this? Nothing. Not even writing this and the angst, rage and disappointment infused in this post can force change to occur where it's not ready, where it doesn't want to be found. Perhaps I'll be less cryptic when I post next. Perhaps I just won't post.

In the end, it doesn't even matter...

Untitled Sadness

Currently Listening To // Kind Of Blue // Miles Davis

"Usually the threat of death makes people more aware of their lives." : from Paolo Coelho's novel 'The Alchemist'.

If you're healthy, living and breathing today, be thankful for your blessings.

My deepest condolences to the entire Goh family...Rest In Peace Uncle Wally; you're in my prayers always.