Frogs at the Bottom of the Well

Currently Listening To // Nocturnal Sunshine // Me'Shell Ndegeocello

"If you eliminate the word 'tired' from your vocabulary, how can your mind comprehend what it does not even know is there?"

In between sips of red wine before dinner, I listened as one of my uncles decided to impart some much appreciated knowledge on a nephew who must have looked tired and frustrated with his lot in life. Admittedly, he was a bit hazy on the method to achieve this; while some use physical strength, others use mind power, but I guess everyone has their own way and time of reaching their goals.

To honour this idea, I'm going to draw directly from the thoughts and words of others today, and let you find your own way to the finish line...wherever that may be.

Have you ever thought to yourself, What is the purpose of life? What makes me happy? Is it money? Fame? A harmonious marriage? Good friends? Longevity?

I tell you happiness is not the result of a sudden stroke of good luck...

Nor is happiness dependent on fortune, fame or longevity. The rich and famous are not necessarily happier than you or me; whereas longevity without good health is a fate worse than death.

At your age the concept of 'what makes life happy' is worth thinking about. Open your eyes and look around you. Do not be a jing di zhi wa (frog at the bottom of a well). When you have reached a conclusion after proper reflection, act accordingly.

Spring Cleaning

Currently Listening To // Come Close // Common feat. Mary J. Blige

Part of the fun with being messy is the possibilities of finding things you thought you had lost. While frustrating, it makes life just that little more surprising when you find what you thought you had lost all that time ago.

Rummaging around my computer desk in an attempt to establish a semblance of order, I found an old piece of paper with a mental outpour that I wrote while on the train home after work. Thinking back, it was a Friday night, and from what I wrote (and the writing with which I used), I was most likely slightly toasted too. Like drifting in and out of sleep on a slow train home, here are my some of my (sub)conscious thoughts...

Sitting in an empty subway station, my mind is slowed by a cocktail of alchohol, fatigue and stress relief.

Waiting for a train to take me home, I'm forced to slow my life down; I reach for my headphones.

Listening to music as constantly as I do, I begin to understand that I use music as an escape, vicariously living through lush chords, sharp beats and soul-infused vocals. I replace produced problems with my own.

Flicking between tracks, I hear love, I hear hate. How do I reconcile the two, what I feel to be right, what I know to be right?

I stop chopping and changing, and Jay Chou takes me back to the streets of Taipei. The sounds of the traffic, the smell of the food, the taste of an exotic life. What makes me so enamoured with Asia?

Am I looking for something, something to 'recharge' my "Asianess"? I let my head shake; I feel like nothing more than an Asiaphile. I just happen to have the right skin colour.

But in my heart of hearts, I know that's not the whole truth. I don't abuse my culture, I don't think of it as a seperate, abstract notion that can be picked up and put down. I smile in the face of hate and ridicule. I accept there are shortcomings in all of us. I don't turn a blind eye, nor do I blind myself with so-called "Asian Pride".

Am I making life harder for myself than it should be? Am I struggling just for the sake of saying I struggled? Instead of making love to my life, I might as well be going to a prostitute; the result is the same...but the intentions are all messed up.

Pulling into my final destination, I try to call someone in the hope that they will take me these final few steps. But no one hears me reaching across the tracks and streets, so I brace myself and let my mind keep redialing an image of a candle in the window as I stumble.

Slowly.

Home.

The Passion

Currently Listening To :: A Woman's Worth :: Alicia Keys

I went to uni this afternoon to pick up my academic dress for my graduation ceremony tomorrow. I still can't believe that I'm actually going to be one of those people in the black gowns, the back hats, with people in tow with (big) cameras. For so long, I've always wondered what it would be like to come from work, all suited up, looking like you're going somewhere, when mentally I'm still in the same place.

Bumping into people at uni is always a treat, but I was especially happy to see an old mate Tom. Starting Uni together, I met Tom on one of my first days at Uni, in fact on one of the campus tours if I remember correctly. We got along pretty well, and it turned out that Tom was doing the same course as me, which was (and still is) a rarity. I always feel a certain affinity with Com/Arts students, because really, there is no real reason to do both degrees except for interest. Those looking to climb the corporate ladder first wouldn't bother with Arts, while "real" Arts students wouldn't be caught dead studying Commerce. It's passion that drives you to learn something more than just how to earn money.

Talking to Tom today, he told me that he had deferred graduating to go to Canada; of all reasons, to follow a girl who had captured his heart. The way he spoke about her was filled with such enthusiasm, and I could tell that he had absolutely no regrets about turning down a great job, and putting his future on hold...all on a chance. Speaking about his honours course, his plans for the future, I couldn't help but be intoxicated by his self-confidence, something I've been lacking of late.

Watching Channel [V] tonight, I managed to catch a special on Ms. Keys. I don't think I've ever really noticed how stunning she can be...and so charming too. Disarming is what I call it. But listening to the interview snippets, I was really impressed by what she said; how she loves her music, her piano, the ideas that drives her music style. While working in PR has made me increasingly sceptical about what people actually believe and what they are just saying to move units, ultimately I think that for most things, people are going to believe what they want to believe. But if you show an integrity and passion that is undeniable, people will recognise it, and the work you do, as real.

So sitting here, sipping my tea and just listening, I've realised that I need to do exactly what I told a friend to do a while back. I need to get into a positive frame of mind. I need to strive for what I want to do, and not handcuff my whole life to just one facet. In short, I need to re-passion. I need to get back to what I'm passionate about.

That's why I'm applying for these Government jobs. That's why I'm practicing my Wushu. That's why I'm still writing. And that's why I'm still searching.

Because it's what I'm passionate about.

And that's what's real to me.