The Fact Of The Matter Is The Matter Of Fact

Currently Listening To :: The Roots :: The Lesson -Part III

"Do you want to change the world Ben?"

I've been doing a lot of talking these days, a lot of listening too. A friend asked me that question the other day at coffee, and to tell you the truth, I was stumped. Now for those who know me well enough know that when looking for words, I don't get lost that easily. But that question really got me...it's not something I often think about, and for some reason, my instinct was to say a flat out "no", and I think that's what I said. I mean, how can I change the world, when I can't even change those around me?

We all live in our own worlds, and yet, in everyone elses world too...so by cause and effect theory, anything I do to affect my own world, will surely affect the worlds of those around me. Forget that tree falling in a forest theory...these days, if you step on a twig, chances are someone heard it loud and clear (and if the Australian Government had their way, they'd hear you before you even got close to that twig!). Make enough sound, and everyone should sit up and take notice right? You'd like to think so eh? Well, perhaps so, but perhaps not...at times, it feels as if I could make a forest fall, and everyone would still be looking at their shoes trying to ties their own shoelaces...

Oh, how things have changed in just a year...When I first started writing, it was all about me. Way before this blog thing, before Blitz, before Faan, there was my own simple pen and paper diary, a collection my random musings on my life and a smattering of melancholy, love tainted, angst-ridden poetry. Writing was strictly for personal reasons, a canvas to paint my thoughts, my wishes and my secrets. I always told myself that the only person who would read my diary would be my wife, and hopefully, what I had to say would somehow give her an even deeper idea of who I am, and, maybe, just maybe, spark some discussion and perhaps even change a few ideas we might have...

Today, it seems as if I can't write a word without first questioning of myself. Will people feel what I'm saying? Will people judge me by the topics I write about? I seem to be putting myself under a lot of this pressure, but I guess that's what having your name in print can do to you. BUt it's disheartening at time...Especially with Faan, sometimes I feel as if I'm writing to a brick wall. No feedback, no nothing...I even went so far as to say I'm writing into a black hole where my writing is used to garner revenue. And that's kewl, but like any artist (and I use that term very loosely), I'm sensitive about the work I do.

But now that I'm writing for a paycheque, I feel as if I have to live up to an even greater standard, and that I'm being judged by a whole new set of people. My editor, publications manager, people who know that I write for Blitz. If I write something they like, it's like a weight off my shoulders...for now. If I don't turn in work that gets the thumbs up, it gets edited. Heavily. And I hate that...

"Welcome to real life!" I hear you saying, and you'd be right. Earning a paycheque is something that is still new to me, something I'm getting used to. I guess it's because I've always associated earning money with doing things that I don't really like to do, it's hard to shake that mentality now. " That ungrateful bastard!" I hear you say, and to and extend, you're right again.

Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I just need to accept that this isn't my little personal diary anymore. This is work, complete with renumeration for servies rendered to consumers. A platform for me to do what I've been working towards since I first put pen to pad. To maybe, just maybe, spark some discussion and change a few ideas we might have...

So..."Do you want to change the world Ben?"

_HELL YES_