Same Ol', Same Ol'

Currently Listening To :: Me and Mrs Jones :: Marvin Gaye

"You should just forget about it; it's not like anything's going to happen anyway."

Words, when said with conviction, can make me second guess even the goodwill in the world. As any accountant will tell you, goodwill is one of those "intangibles" that you can't really quantify - dealing in abstracts isn't what contributes to the bottom line. It's all about making fiscally sound investments!

Oftentimes I feel that ALL I deal with is abstracts, and that what's really going is secondary to what I or they THINK is going on.

The smallest steps can be the hardest, and my mind can play tricks on the rest of me. I used to think that not worry about the outcome of my decisions, because a part of me was optimistic in that things will turn out fine, while another part of me didn't care, because that would involve having to make an effort that may lead to disappointment.

Strange as it sounds, I've never cared more about my life until this last year. Where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm with. It's not that I felt that my life was worth less then the experience of living it, but so used to going with the flow, I've reached a stage where the flow isn't where I want to go anymore.

Does that make me an optimist?

It's so easy to not care - in fact, life is generally easier the less you care about which way the coin toss falls. But no matter how apathetic you may think you are, there is always two sides to every coin, even if they may look the same. It's a heads I win, tails you lose scenario. No matter how poor the roll of the dice, an optimist will always believe that the next one will be a winner - the pessimist loses before the dice even leaves their hand.

So I ask myself again, am I an pessimist trying to be an optimist, or an optimist trying to manage my own expectations?

The only way to find out is to keep on rolling the dice...